Brat Fry FAQs

Back by popular demand, Brat Fry Ferg answers some of your most pressing questions:

"Hey Brat Fry Ferg! Why don't your brats have grill marks like I see on tv?"

Very good question. Grill marks on brats - now that one irks me. Personally, I've never seen a brat with grill marks. If you keep turning them properly, they shouldn't have any. Now, if you really really have to have 'em, you could grab a magic marker and draw on a few. But I really wouldn't recommend that. In fact, now that I think of it, I'm not going to recommend that at all, because it's just a stupid idea. And while I'm at it - ever see that Dumschea on the web where people refer to brats as links? That's just as bad as calling brats wieners. Don't call brats links - and don't call 'em wieners. It's just too painful.

"Hey Brat Fry Ferg! Why do people boil brats?"

Where on earth do people get these ideas?! Why would you want to light up your grill just to put a pot of water on it? Save your water for boiling lobster or for when the next power grid fails. This is so painful, that I fear I may have to dedicate a whole webpage to this one . . .

"Hey BratFry Ferg! Have you ever ordered brats online?"

I typed in "I'd like a double with the works" once, but nothing happened. I'll have to do some more research and get back to you.

"Hey Brat Fry Ferg! How many brats do I need and how long should I cook 'em?"

Those are great questions. In fact, Brat Fry Ferg gets asked that so often that there's even a special webpage dedicated to Scales & Calculators that answer these very important questions in detail.

"Hey Brat Fry Ferg! What's Dumschea?"

Dumschea is an old-world expression that refers to dumb stuff people have posted on the inernet about brats. BratFry Ferg has found a lot of Dumschea about brats on the innernet. For example . . .

1) "A brat fry is a Wisconsin barbecue" Huh? You say what there? No, a Brat Fry is a Brat Fry. Don't complicate the issue.

2) "Before you get to grilling, you'll want to fire up your barbecue grill." Look out, this guy's IQ is workin' in overdrive. Thanks for the heads-up!

3) "It's possible to cook up a bratwurst entirely by grilling; however, doing so will cause the outside of the beef to burn before the meat is cooked through." Hello? Beef? This one left BratFry Ferg speechless, which is hard to do.

4) "The length of time you should cook brats will depend on the cooking method. When grilling them, they should be cooked for about 10 minutes per side." Hmmm. So, how many sides are there to a brat anyway? BratFry Ferg can visualize the side of his garage or the side of his house. They even have something in common, in that they're more or less vertical, rectangular surfaces. Now, for the sake of instructional purposes, let's assume there are four sides to a house [using the garage as an example might overtask the thought processes, since one enter a philosophical argument about whether the garage door should be counted as a side]. So, back to the house with four sides. Following the above instructions, you're supposed to cook brats 10 minutes per side. So, if you do the math [and assuming that such a thing as a 4-sided brat exists], that comes out to a total of 40 minutes per brat. There won't be much brat left to your brat if you do that, and you'll end up with are tent stakes.

5) "Pierce each bratwurst in several places with tip of sharp knife." Hooool'd on there bubba!!! What the, I mean, what the, what the . . . you know, what are you doing there?! Take your knife and go back inside and cut some pickles and onions, but stay away from the grill!

And just in case you're wondering, the above examples of Dumschea are for real - even Brat Fry Ferg couldn't make that Dumschea up!

"Hey Brat Fry Ferg! What's a good place to have a Brat Fry?"

When you hear about how important location is for your Brat Fry, 99% of the time you most likely are thinking about where those brats should be located on the grill. And rightfully so. But here's a tip: location can also refer to where you could have or find a Brat Fry.

Good Brat Fry Locations

There are all kinds of locations where you can have a Brat Fry
• in your backyard
• in the park
• on the driveway
• on your deck

There are also many places where you can find people frying brats:
• super market parking lots
• parks and fairgrounds
• ball parks
• in their backyard

Bad Brat Fry Locations

These are really stupid places to have a Brat Fry:
• inside your house
• in the garage
• next to open windows

And these are just dumb places to eat brats:
• while driving
• while talking on the phone
• while at your computer

"Hey Brat Fry Ferg!
Is weather a factor in putting on a good Brat Fry?"

Another great question! You can have a Brat Fry any time of the year regardless of the weather.

That said, as much as Brat Fry Ferg loves the aromatics of a good Brat Fry, nobody needs it flowing into the house through some open bedroom window. Not you, and least of all your neighbors! A little common courtesy and common sense is required (you don't want any sparks flying onto your compost pile, now do you?!).

So keep your eye on the weather. As for rain, no real problem. That's what they made ponchos and patio umbrellas for!